How Managers Can Support A Team Member Whos Transitioning

As I closed the door behind me, I realized my hands were shaking. I didn’t know exactly why I was nervous. This was a meeting I had asked for. It was a conversation I wanted to have with my manager. I had been using they/them pronouns outside of work for about a year, and I wanted to use them at work, too. My life felt bifurcated. There was the self I had at work and the self I had everywhere else. The pressure of this split was becoming untenable.

I mustered my most professional voice and told my manager why we were here. I didn’t talk about my gender or my burgeoning trans identity. I had one ask: Could my coworkers use they/them pronouns when they referred to me?

My manager’s reaction was hard to read. There wasn’t shock or confusion. There wasn’t empathy or excitement. They immediately focused on the potential pushback I would have to face. They outlined all the people I would have to tell and all the various reactions they might have (very corporate). Then they discussed how I would need to be patient and understand that not everyone would be on board, including potential future managers. The entire conversation took less than a minute.

There are 1.6 million trans people living in the U.S. and one in five Gen Zers identify as LGBTQ.

Subconsciously, that was probably the response I was expecting, but I had hoped I would be wrong. I left the room feeling dejected, with the clear understanding that using my pronouns at work would be a burden and might even hinder my career prospects. Eventually, I decided not to move forward. I left the company instead.

It took me another six years, until I began working at an LGBTQ nonprofit, to come out as trans and share my pronouns at work. My identity was welcomed, but unfortunately, this was a unique case. I speak to hundreds of employees each year about LGBTQ inclusion through my consulting business, and not much has changed since my initial conversation. The predominant experience I hear from trans employees includes a lack of support and blatant transphobia after coming out to their managers.

There are 1.6 million trans people living in the U.S. and one in five Gen Zers identify as LGBTQ. That number isn’t small. If businesses want to attract great talent, keep that talent, and have organizations where everyone thrives, employers need to do more to support the transgender community at work.

So, what does this mean exactly for people managers? What can they do to support their team members who are transitioning?

First, educate yourself on what “transitioning” means.
Trans is an umbrella term used to describe the experience of someone who’s sex assigned at birth doesn’t match their gender. Sex assigned at birth describes the label that a doctor may give you when you’re born based on a combination of factors like chromosomes, genitalia, and hormones. You might be labeled female or male, and if there’s a combination of factors, you might be labeled intersex. As you develop and grow, you start to have a conception of your gender identity, which can start to form as early as age two. When your gender identity doesn’t match the sex you were assigned at birth, that’s categorized as transgender.

Some trans people are binary, such as trans men or trans woman, while others aren’t, such as non-binary, gender non-conforming, and agender people. Remember that gender identity is different than gender expression, which describes how we externally express our gender through clothes, hairstyles, body language, and other aspects. For example, a trans man might may have a feminine gender expression and prefer to wear nail polish or dresses but have a male gender identity. The opposite can also be true. Some people might prefer to present more masculine or even have fluid gender expressions — switching between the masculine and feminine.

Transgender encompasses a range of identities and there is no one way to be trans.

The action of “transitioning” typically describes a trans person who is choosing to take legal, medical, or social actions to affirm their identity. The decisions made around transitioning are personal and can be due to factors like safety, privacy, or necessity. Some people may feel like they have a clear goal for their transitions, such as being perceived as their genders 100% of the time. Others may see transitioning as an ongoing and more fluid process without a specific end goal.

The point is: Transgender encompasses a range of identities and there is no one way to be trans.

Pay attention to the language you use on a daily basis.
If we want to create inclusive workplaces where people can be their full selves, it’s important that cisgender people understand and learn how to support people with varied identities. If you don’t know what language to use or are uncomfortable discussing the spectrum of trans identities, you might end up unintentionally shutting down a trans employee who is trying to come out to you. You might say something that ends the conversation before it begins.

When this happens, it’s very likely that your team member will not feel safe or comfortable continuing the conversation. If your team member feels like you don’t understand or respect trans identities to begin with, they may not approach you in the first place.

You can make yourself approachable by becoming a better ally. This starts with education, particularly around the vocabulary you use daily. Aside from exposing yourself to different trans narratives, listening to podcasts or reading memoirs about the subject, your words, and the conversations you have with a transitioning person will have the biggest impact.

Use language that uplifts and validates.
Language evolves to account for the needs of the people who use it. Terms that were once more widely used to describe trans identities may no longer be acceptable. For example, phrases like “transgenders,” “tranny,” “transvestite,” and “transsexual” are largely not used and can be considered slurs.

The goal is to choose language that will uplift and validate transgender gender identities. For example, don’t use phrases like “born as a man or woman” or “biological man or woman” to describe non-trans identities or to refer to someone’s gender history. This language frames gender as being reliant on the sex people were assigned at birth, when in reality, it’s much more nuanced. Instead, when describing gender identities, you might say, “My gender aligns with the sex I was assigned at birth,” or “Her gender is different than the sex she was assigned at birth.”

Similarly, when discussing a transition, terms like “sex change,” “sex reassignment,” or “becoming a man or woman,” are outdated and suggest that someone must have surgery to transition. If a transgender person does choose to undergo surgery, a more inclusive and accurate phrasing would be “He is affirming his gender through surgery,” or, “They are getting gender affirmation surgery.”

Trans people are constantly advocating to be seen as the gender we are, and we try to have our language be as assertive as possible. This means that we remove any language that might feel like a qualifier. For example, instead of saying someone identifies as non-binary, you can say they are non-binary. Or instead of asking, “What are your preferred pronouns,” you can remove the preferred and ask, “What are your pronouns?” Don’t ask someone what their real name or birth name is because the name they introduced themselves with is their name.

Reconsider questions about surgery, hormones, or biology.
Even if you are genuinely curious, questions about someone’s medical history and body are intensely personal. A trans person is their gender no matter what chromosomes, genitals, or hormones they have. So, these questions can feel invalidating and intrusive.

Before you consider asking a transgender colleague about their identity, ask yourself: Will the answer to my question help me get to know this person better? Would I ask someone else on my team a similar question about their bodies or medical decisions? Will this question make this person feel respected and valued?

If the answer is no, keep it to yourself.

Be an ally.
When someone on your team wants to tell you they’re transitioning, they probably won’t say, “I want to transition at work.” It might be more subtle, such as, “I’d like to use a new name,” or, “I’d like to start using different pronouns.”

The best response you can give in that situation is to thank them for sharing it with you. Acknowledge that this might have been difficult for them to bring up and that you appreciate their trust in you. It’s best not to prod because they might not have all the answers yet, and you shouldn’t push them for any information they don’t proactively offer. Remember that you don’t need to know everything about your team member’s identity in order to respect it.

You can make work a haven for your trans employees at a time when trans rights are consistently under attack.

Your primary goal during this kind of conversation is to make sure that your team member feels heard, and that they know you’re there to support them. Your secondary goal is to create a plan and to discuss exactly how you can do that. Depending on the emotional intensity of the conversation, you might want to separate these goals and schedule a separate meeting to discuss the latter.

Your trans employee might be feeling any number of emotions during the initial conversation. They may feel excited, nervous, optimistic, or vulnerable, but they should never feel alone. As a manager, you might have power that you can leverage to help make this transition easier in ways that your employee can’t. Talk to them to understand how you can leverage your position to provide support.

Here are some ways to do that.

Offering support
Transitioning at work might be a dream come true for your employee, but it can also come with a nightmare of logistics. Knowing what these are, and offering support along the way, can make the process less overwhelming for your employee.

Changing a name: If your teammate will be changing their name, you can offer to help with the request, whether it’s a legal name change through HR or an operational name change, like on employee directories, email signatures, business cards, etc.

Navigating health benefits: Health benefits, especially in the U.S. can be confusing, costly, and intimidating. In the U.S., gender affirmation can cost close to $30,000. You can connect your team member to your benefits representatives so they can gain clarity on what your company offers. If your company doesn’t have any trans inclusive health benefits, you can advocate for their inclusion or advocate for an additional stipend to help cover the gaps.

Taking time off: Employees might need to take extended time off, whether it’s for gender affirmation procedures or to manage the emotional toll of transitioning. They may be working through difficult social situations with family or friends, or simply need to process. Be proactive and generous in your time-off policies, and make it easy for your employee to request this time, including accessing family and medical leave or other short-term leave policies.

Managing gendered policies: Organizations often have assumed or explicit policies that are gendered. This can include policies around dress code, parental leave, anti-discrimination, travel, or any number of other policies that you wouldn’t expect to have a gendered component. Identify where gender might come up for your team member and work through it with them. Even if the issue can’t be resolved, proactively discussing the solutions can make all the difference.

Making an announcement
Your trans teammate should be the only person who decides who they let know about their transition and how they share that information. As their manager, you can leverage your position to offer them support as they navigate these decisions.

For example, they might not feel comfortable sending a company-wide email and prefer that you send an email that outlines their name change, pronouns, or how they would like to be supported. They might only want to tell their immediate team and then tell everyone else in person whenever they meet. Or they might not want to tell anyone and change their name or pronouns discretely.

The decision is theirs, but you can use the leverage and the influence you have as manager to solidify everyone’s support.

Training and educating your team on trans identities
The person transitioning should not be responsible for educating the team about trans identities. If you don’t have the expertise on staff, call in someone who does. Your trans employee and everyone on your team should know what to do if they experience or witness gender-based discrimination or bias.

Normalizing using pronouns
Grammatically, pronouns refer to people and they are gendered. So, when we use pronouns, we have the opportunity to affirm someone’s gender identity. Everyone has pronouns that affirm their identity, not just LGBTQ people. Asking for someone’s pronouns directly can be intimidating if someone is unsure or not out yet.

Encourage your team to include their pronouns in their signature, on their name in video calls, or on name tags during an event. When you meet someone new, you could introduce yourself with your own pronouns first, giving them space to do the same. (If you want to learn more, check out this visual guide for How to Talk about Pronouns At Work.)

Helping them find a mentor
Many trans people might have questions about how to navigate the work environment if they are showing up in new ways. They might wonder what clothes to wear or how to process new experiences. For example, if they are a woman but have only recently told the company, they might be treated differently. They might face sexism for the first time and need guidance. Connect your employee to mentors that align with their gender. If your organization has employee resource groups, confirm they are trans inclusive and encourage your team member to join.

. . .
Every trans person is different and everyone will have unique needs, but this is a starting point. If my manager’s first response was openness and they had indicated a willingness to support me, rather than focusing on the potential pushback, I might have come out at work sooner. I might have stayed at that company and thrived.

Know that you don’t have to fully understand trans identities to respect your trans team members and to support their transitions at work. You can make work a haven for your trans employees at a time when trans rights are consistently under attack. You can be one of the people who makes your trans employees feel valued and respected. You can make work their favorite place to be because they know they will have a supportive community each day they show up. You can be an example for what an inclusive workplace looks like, or you can make work another place that your trans employee will leave because they don’t feel welcome. You have the choice. Which one will you make?